Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective: Jimmy Plush: Teddy Bear Detective

Friday, October 9, 2009

Jimmy Plush: Teddy Bear Detective

Jimmu Plush, Teddy Bear Detective

"In a city ridden with prostitute furries, cannibal cops and warehouse-sized mob bosses, I've got my work cut out for me. My name is Jimmy Plush. I'm a private detective. I'm also a teddy bear. It all started when the original Jimmy Plush entered my life, offering to take my gambling debts away if I agreed to switch bodies with him. But I didn't know that being a three-foot-high plush toy would be such a living hell, especially now that everyone in town wants a piece of me. All I've gotten out of this deal is a faithful Chinese chauffeur, a custom teddybear .45, and a girlfriend who won't take off the fox suit she turns tricks in. Now I've got to keep this town clean and try to track down the real Jimmy Plush without losing my stuffing for good. Only one thing is for sure: Life is hard when you're soft.

Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective is a high octane pulp satire. In the tradition of Sam Spade, The Shadow, Dick Tracy, Hellboy and Howard the Duck comes a new kind of hero, a hero that reminds us that the measure of a man is in his guts and his gun."

I did not, as anticipated move all of my Plush Limited Editions at Bizarrocon, and have three left for three lucky readers. I am not just going to leave you all twiddling your thumbs and waiting for the release date. Instead, you will be getting monthly gifts such as an ebook of Plush and neopulp flash fiction, extraneous forewords to the book by Bizarro authors and more. The bear and the origin chaps will be out by Christmas, so if you want in on those and you want to start getting the monthly literary swag I have to offer, preorder this book. The first gift will be coming in early November, with a second on time for Thanksgiving, and a third for Christmas.

Limited Edition $18 (three left!)
The Limited Edition gets you the book, signed and numbered, an origin chapbook in time for Christmas, a chapter of Murderland 3:Godless later in the year and a chance to win a cuddly but deadly handmade Jimmy Plush teddy bear that will ship to the winner just in time for Christmas!

Jimmy Plush regular edition $10
You get the book a week before release, the monthly gifts and I've decided to sign but not number these.

International Edition

Only two Limited Editions left! Get 'em while you still can!

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Mr.Plush Invesitgates: An Excerpt

SS So I checked out Muffinhead Howard's on the docks. I was a bear hellbent on finding his girl and this was where my shifty pseudochinese archnemesis had sent me. It was about what I expected, blackjack games, crap games, poor lighting, a guy in a cougar suit taking wagers on a wrestling match between two dwarves and a monitor lizard. As I was putting twenty on the lizard, the man behind the bar caught sight of me. It should have been hard to tell, him being the aptly named proprietor of Muffinhead Howard's and therefore having a muffin for a head (unless two of those blueberries happened to be his eyes)but the shotgun the way he stroked his shotgun like it was his manhood and Veronica Lake had just walked in to dry off her angora sweater was kind of a giveaway. I'd have to tread lightly here...who the hell am I kidding? No, I wouldn't.
I scanned the room for Bulgy O' Toole and the Ritz Brothers. Siamese twins, one dead, one a vaudevillian with a penchant for lime green suits and a guy with eyes the size of baseballs didn't take me long to pinpoint. It didn't take Bulgy long to pinpoint me either. With those eyes, why would it?
"Don't you know you're unwelcome here?" he tried to splash his drink on me, but was a poor judge of distance and missed me by a couple inches.
"Come on, if I only went where I was welcome, I'd be cooped up in my office all week and what fun would that be?"
"That would suit us just fine," said Spanky Ritz, the putrescent half of the team. He didn't stink half as bad as his brother's ventriloquism.
I jumped on their table, took aim and shot Muffinhead Howard before he could cock his shotgun. I didn't like the idea of my guts inside of four different pillows, thank you very much. There were crumbs and blueberry ink everywhere and the blackjack game stopped for a whole ten seconds.
Bulgy laughed nervously.
"You think that scares me, Plush?"
"It scares me," said Spanky Ritz.
His brother slapped him.
"Shut up, this is serious!"
Spanky blew a surprisingly convincing raspberry at his living sibling.
"You know, dad never loved you!"
"You shut up!"
Growing tired of sibling rivalry, I reunited the act with my custom teddy bear .45, which I then fired at the ceiling to get the bar's attention.
Bulgy vomited on himself. Then sat up and tried to act tough again.
"I'm not scared, Plush! I'm not telling you nothing!"
I ignored him.
"Anybody here eating spaghetti?" I yelled.
A nervous little man brought me a plate, heaping with sauce and meatballs.
Bulgy laughed. Nervously. The only way a guy being interrogated like this could laugh.
"Trying to bribe me with food? It won't work."
I picked up a fork off the table, jammed it into one of Bulgy's big fat eyeballs and yanked hard. It was not a pretty sight, but luckily for Bulgy he only caught it from the left. I took the fork with Bulgy's fat right eye on it and twirled it around in the spaghetti. I pointed my gun at Bulgy's face as I moved the fork toward his mouth.
"Eat up, have a nice juicy meatball."
Realizing he wasn't ever going to get the eye back in and a moment of degrading and nauseating himself again was better than being dead, he agreed and began enjoying the worst mouthful of spaghetti he'd ever eaten. I waited until he was finished before gestutring toward his left eye with the fork.
"Unless you want seconds, you're gonna talk. I wanna know why the cops broke the deal with Halperin, I wanna know what's under that giant black cloth and I sure as hell wanna know where the hell they took my girl. You'd better talk fast. That empty eye socket's really disgusting...

Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective

Friday, October 9, 2009