Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective: A Post that Speaks for Itself

Mr.Plush Invesitgates: An Excerpt

SS So I checked out Muffinhead Howard's on the docks. I was a bear hellbent on finding his girl and this was where my shifty pseudochinese archnemesis had sent me. It was about what I expected, blackjack games, crap games, poor lighting, a guy in a cougar suit taking wagers on a wrestling match between two dwarves and a monitor lizard. As I was putting twenty on the lizard, the man behind the bar caught sight of me. It should have been hard to tell, him being the aptly named proprietor of Muffinhead Howard's and therefore having a muffin for a head (unless two of those blueberries happened to be his eyes)but the shotgun the way he stroked his shotgun like it was his manhood and Veronica Lake had just walked in to dry off her angora sweater was kind of a giveaway. I'd have to tread lightly here...who the hell am I kidding? No, I wouldn't.
I scanned the room for Bulgy O' Toole and the Ritz Brothers. Siamese twins, one dead, one a vaudevillian with a penchant for lime green suits and a guy with eyes the size of baseballs didn't take me long to pinpoint. It didn't take Bulgy long to pinpoint me either. With those eyes, why would it?
"Don't you know you're unwelcome here?" he tried to splash his drink on me, but was a poor judge of distance and missed me by a couple inches.
"Come on, if I only went where I was welcome, I'd be cooped up in my office all week and what fun would that be?"
"That would suit us just fine," said Spanky Ritz, the putrescent half of the team. He didn't stink half as bad as his brother's ventriloquism.
I jumped on their table, took aim and shot Muffinhead Howard before he could cock his shotgun. I didn't like the idea of my guts inside of four different pillows, thank you very much. There were crumbs and blueberry ink everywhere and the blackjack game stopped for a whole ten seconds.
Bulgy laughed nervously.
"You think that scares me, Plush?"
"It scares me," said Spanky Ritz.
His brother slapped him.
"Shut up, this is serious!"
Spanky blew a surprisingly convincing raspberry at his living sibling.
"You know, dad never loved you!"
"You shut up!"
Growing tired of sibling rivalry, I reunited the act with my custom teddy bear .45, which I then fired at the ceiling to get the bar's attention.
Bulgy vomited on himself. Then sat up and tried to act tough again.
"I'm not scared, Plush! I'm not telling you nothing!"
I ignored him.
"Anybody here eating spaghetti?" I yelled.
A nervous little man brought me a plate, heaping with sauce and meatballs.
Bulgy laughed. Nervously. The only way a guy being interrogated like this could laugh.
"Trying to bribe me with food? It won't work."
I picked up a fork off the table, jammed it into one of Bulgy's big fat eyeballs and yanked hard. It was not a pretty sight, but luckily for Bulgy he only caught it from the left. I took the fork with Bulgy's fat right eye on it and twirled it around in the spaghetti. I pointed my gun at Bulgy's face as I moved the fork toward his mouth.
"Eat up, have a nice juicy meatball."
Realizing he wasn't ever going to get the eye back in and a moment of degrading and nauseating himself again was better than being dead, he agreed and began enjoying the worst mouthful of spaghetti he'd ever eaten. I waited until he was finished before gestutring toward his left eye with the fork.
"Unless you want seconds, you're gonna talk. I wanna know why the cops broke the deal with Halperin, I wanna know what's under that giant black cloth and I sure as hell wanna know where the hell they took my girl. You'd better talk fast. That empty eye socket's really disgusting...

Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective

Saturday, June 4, 2011

A Post that Speaks for Itself

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